My Mother's Tears

I swear I cried my mother's tears today.

The ones that dropped after
Everyday life pounded her down to that
Family dinner kitchen table. Just one day
While all the rest of us sat chatting up our day and troubles
Talking nonsense and her sitting there, very alone
Trying to concentrate on anything except
Her tender eyes blinking away

Something culminating inside rising
Completely unspeakably overwhelming and...

She cried only because she had no words.
I cried today because I didn't either.

I swear I cried her tears today.
The ones that fell upon the top of those steps
That burnt orange carpet in our Horger house.
She sat, face buried in her hands like a child.
I hugged her in silence except for a few deep breaths she took
As I inspected closely her face, from the side.
It looked as if she was in pain.
I didn't know why.
Crying her tears today I know enough to realize that
She didn't quite know why either.
One of those days, we say.
Us mothers do.
Just one of those days.

I swear I cried her tears today.
The ones that welled up that summer evening
Her gazing out our front window and staring into
Our tiny neighborhood world.
"Sometimes I wish I had a place to go."
I remember her saying quietly to herself, and me
Not really knowing what she meant.
I cried today because today I know
Exactly what she meant.

She meant -
I don't want to go out of this house
Or out of this life
Or out of this here, my beautiful existence as
Your mother.
Or out of this here, my treasured existence as
Your wife.
I need to be here.
This is who I am.
This is what I love.
But just today, these little tears fell just for me
To remind me that sometimes
It is alright for me to think
That I could need something too.

Not something more.
Not something better.
Not something else.
Just,
something.

I do not even know myself what it is.
I cannot quite even say what it is.
I cannot explain it with actions.
I cannot explain it in words.
So instead, I'll just explain it all
In tears. Until
I am okay with knowing that
I do not need to explain it any more.

I swear I cried my mother's tears today.
And I swear she sat there with me,
Comforting me
As only a mother can.

My mother, she knows.
She has already cried my tears.